D– Denial E- Enrage A-Acknowledgement & Adjustment T-Torment H-Harmony
After experiencing the tragic loss of a loved one, weeks of denial, envelopes our whole being. We launch a brew of extreme anger in our minds. I describe this anger as ‘launch’ because it mentally feels like a rocket launching. It starts off slowly and then being to take momentum until it reaches full blast.
Enraged by the feelings of loneliness and longing, it feels like your world is crumbling around you. You feel numbness but simultaneously feel anger and rage awakening like a beast within your soul. The questions of wonder…. “Where is your loved one who left you alone? Where is their soul gone to? How can you go on living, never seeing that person again in this lifetime?”
Your mind is brutalized by these questions that refuse to leave you! Your awakening state becomes a distraction by the mundanity of living, occurring around you. However, the silence of the nights become your torture zone. Sleep has forgotten you. Whilst staring into nothingness, seeing images of memories with the person you lose, crushes you with each image. The more you are robbed of sleep, the bigger the strain is on your mental and physical mindset. Your body needs sleep to repair itself. The lack of sleep makes us irritable, frustrated and magnifies daily issues around us. We become brusque and short-tempered. And because we are losing control of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviour, it starts a downward spiral of enrage, resentment and fury.
Our family and friends are caught up in a dilemma: to give you space by stepping back or molly- coddling you with exaggerated love (multiple phone calls, cooking dinner for you, a constant flow of positiveness and several distraction mechanisms). Your numbness coupled with anger and the inability to make rash decisions makes you reactive rather than logic and reasoning in your thinking. Many a time, your outburst and tearful breakdowns, can make them scared. They start to stand back in the desperate need not helping you rather than throwing you over the edge.
At this point, when you are sitting all alone and feeling sorry for yourself and your selfish behaviour, take a deep breath in and remember that you are grieving. There is no physical switch in your unconscious mind to swi
tch on or off how you are feeling and dealing with your grief. BE GENTLE ON YOURSELF! Be mindful of how you are feeling. Observe these emotions and find ways of letting them go.
How do you deal with enrage while grieving?
1.Although many people, even medical practitioners would advise anti- depressants, sleeping or calming tablets, find your inner strength to overcome this emotional roller-coaster with self- healing, counseling and therapy. Drugs and medication only brings temporary relief and mask the reality of your feelings. The chances of becoming immune to the strength of the dosage over time are very common and hence something stronger might be prescribed.
2. Your Heart chakra (energy point) is being affected. Surround yourself with nature. The greenness and beauty of trees, plants, and flowers helps to stimulate happy chemicals in your brain.
3. Find a quiet space in your home, to just be. Start off with 3-5 minutes of meditation and visualisation of a happy feeling you have experienced in the past. This will tap into your unconscious mind and remind it how to smile and be happy again. Each day, you start to feel a little better. This time you are giving to yourself is giving permission to your unconscious mind to slowly let go of the anger that you are feeling towards the one you lost for leaving you behind.
4. Each morning, look at your hands. For each finger and thumb, say it out loud, what you are grateful eg. I’m grateful for my children. I’m grateful for the sunshine. I’m grateful for a better night sleep. Etc. This acknowledgment of gratitude begins the process of releasing the anger and welcoming moments of happiness.
5. Prayer- the power of prayer or chanting is under appreciated. Just chanting your favourite affirmation or mantra can reiterate and re-programme your unconscious mind. Eg. I am a beautiful flower that brings happiness. I am the light that shines brightly. May god hold my hand and shower his grace upon me. Let me keep smiling and spreading the love. Etc . These affirmations will begin the process of letting go of the anger and you start to acknowledge and adjust your thoughts and behaviour about everything that has happened.
6. Start an exercise regime. Whether it is walking, running or going to the gym, the introduction of exercise to your grieving management, gets your brain to stimulate dopamine and serotine which are natural happy chemicals.
7. Speaking to a professional therapist always helps. Hypnotherapy and other techniques are amazing in letting go of the pain and help you through the loss of a loved one.
We all have that reserve of inner strength, to help us through trauma and negative experiences. Listen to your body, hear what your unconscious mind needs. The person you lost, wouldn’t want you living in pain and tears, whilst holding onto their soul. They are only free when they see smiles and happiness again. Release the anger, so that you can begin the journey of setting their soul free from your attachment.
Sending you lots of healing love.